Searching for blog posts tagged with 'fear'

To register: Step one. Leave your room.

Sep

28

That's me finished with, then...

 

But that's an exageration. I've left my room. Not ten minutes ago I went out for a Jog and got scared when someone asked for a ciggerete lighter. That's an improvement, surely?

Why such a drastic change of events from yesterday's? I blame my flatmates.

Blames a bit strong, since it's probably a good thing I met so many people - apparently they're not all bad. Here's the story that led to me interacting with others.

There I was, sitting on my computer, listening to a bit of Moulin Rouge when I get a knock on the door. I jumped a bit, but forced up the courage to walk over an open the door. Out in the hall was, um, about... (You know I don't think I can't count that high without taking off my socks) alot of people. So I sat with them.

I sat with them and talked... and joked... and survived until they left for Unite. It was actually rather fun. I'm starting to enjoy this 'people' thing. Maybe I should go knock on their door - Just thinking about it is making me feel queezy.

But, I have two reasons to leave my room today, 3 if you count the shower i'm in desperate need of. And by the end of the day I will be registered as a proper student. Even if I have to leave my room for over an hour!

 

Ryan

It's getting more and more tempting to lock that door...

Sep

27

... And not let anyone in.

 

It's not that I don't like them. Everyone in my House has been lovely. It's just in my past life I was very closed. But, I promised myself I would try to be 'normal'. You know, stay up past my normal bedtime of 9, brave the outside when it's dark and (the hardest on the list) Talk to people.

I'm glad I did part three. The people are lovely. Makes me regret not trying it when I was younger, but I suppose you live and learn.

So, why would I want to lock my self in my room? It's a scary place out there. Looking out my window (through a small gap in my closed curtains, obviously) I see people laughing and joking. 'Haha' they are saying, 'I am having fun'.

The problem comes when their idea of fun is not mine. I don't drink or smoke and the last time I 'danced' - which is what I assume is done when clubbing - I almost broke my nose. I remain apprehensive when confronted with these things. I'll grow to get used to them, I'm sure, in the same way that all us freshers have to get used to our new lives.

When I first arrived I made a move to get involved in my house. I left my bedroom door open. You know, as an invite to those who I will be living with for the next year. I waved to those who past in what I hoped was not a 'HELLOI'MRYANIWANTFRIENDS' way.

It seemed to work and I have now been told the names of those who are in so far. (remembering them will be a different matter)

Maybe I should open my window and wave to those who walk past that, as well, or is that a bit creepy?

Remember, anyone who actually reads this, if you seem someone waving and you seem a bit scared of him, Trust me, he's just as scared as you. Go and say Hi.

I didn't expect it, but typing this has been rather cathartic... Might have to keep this up.

Ryan

These blog things are getting more rare.

Oct

02

And that would be because I spend more time away from my computer.

 

Almost finished Freshers week now and I feel like I've been in this flat for months. I feel like i'm at home and i'll be more than happy to spend a year here, especially with the people who are in the flat with me. I reckon I'll be able to remember their names by the end of October.

It's because of these people I'm not doing daily blogs (which was my plan, but my plan included alot more hiding and fear...) as they ask me out and I have a good time.

An odd idea that, having a good time with people. An odd idea that isn't actually a bad one.

My door is still held open but the awkward waves have evolved into open conversations, and the 4 seperate rooms have turned into a gathering place, not just for the 12 lovely souls in our house, but for anyone else who happens to want to pop by.

The idea of which would usually scare me enough to make me hide in my cupboard for a hour or two, but after this week, I'm happy to introduce myself to a complete stranger. Or start a conversation with that person I met 4 days ago whose name is just on the tip of my tounge, but not in my brain anywhere. I still can't remember it.

If this is the sort of change that Sussex's Week 0 has caused in me, I'm worried about what i'll be like by christmas.

Scrap that, actually. I'm not worried at all. If I follow the trend I'll be a better person. If that's possible.

 

Rereading this, I've just noticed 'having a good time with people' is kinda... Well, you can make you own euphemisms, as if you didn't already.

Getting back on the bike.

May

07

Before the CtGF challenge started I was feeling quite smug to be perfectly honest. I had taken part last year and felt really good as a result and in the past year have incorporated exercise and fitness much more into my lifestyle. I had even already though of the team mileage goal and was savouring the fact that I would easily clock up the miles just by doing my morning cycle to work. Then three weeks ago I fell off my bike. I was cycling along and suddenly the bolt holding my saddle to the post sheared off throwing me off the bike and into the road (path side luckily) due to the fact that I wasn't cycling too fast and the road wasn’t busy I escaped with a grazed knee, bruised ankle and general body strain. So I picked up my bike after being helped by a lovely cyclist and went home to drop my bike off, recover and go to work. As soon as the door slammed shut the shock of what happened took its hold and I broke down. After getting it all out and feeling a bit better I made my way to work still feeling shaky, but determined to get on with things.

The long and short of it is that what happened really knocked my confidence and made me feel vulnerable, which is essentially what you are when you ride a bike there is no metal armour to protect you and you are exposed to all of the elements around you. I should have got straight back on the bike, but for whatever reasons and excuses I didn’t. Since then it’s become a problem. Every morning I have got up with the intention to cycle but have always found a reason not to whether it be I was running late, had a bus ticket or it was raining…. In reality I’m scared and I feel it is bringing me down generally, maybe it’s a lull but I want to get out of it, feel more in control and better about myself.

Fast forward…

I cycled to work this morning and I’m pleased. I’m not writing this to get applauded in anyway, infact it’s more as a form of catharsis. I don’t know if the CtGF challenge hadn’t been running this month I would have still got on the bike, I probably would have but it has definitely provided encouragement and given me the push I needed. For the next few weeks I know each morning I will be extra apprehensive and hyperaware, but I’m just going to try and get on with it.